While I was recently clearing out my mum’s attic I came across all my end of term school reports from ten years of primary and secondary schooling. At first, I chose to treat this as a comedy moment, but – given my mentor Wynford’s view that there is no such thing as a co-incidence – I feel as though I need to consider this as a learning opportunity as I address my Step 3.
In those days (1969 – 78) your teachers were allowed to “say it as they saw it”. There was no “Paul is a popular pupil who enjoys contributing in class” or “Paul has been consistent in his progress this term”. And, although as in most cases the comments varied from better to worse and back again over time, I noticed a few real shockers!
My favourite piece of feedback, received from Mr FDR Currie for my work in the science class in the Michaelmas (September to December) term in 1972, was: “He needs constant urging to persuade him to work at full stretch”. Reflecting on the same term’s work, the school’s Maths supremo Mr DH Burston commented “He has been very casual in his approach to work, particularly in homework which has been hurried and inaccurate”. To rub it in further, our Head of English EE Barnes quipped “Orally, he remains diffident. In general, he must guard against superficiality”.
It’s easy to laugh it all off as something of a jape, and obviously it is great to draw some humour from those halcyon days. My brother for one thought it was highly amusing! But I want in all seriousness to draw some more useful learning from this time capsule of things past.
I am learning from my Step work that much of my life’s work has been dedicated to protecting myself from emotional discomfort and seeking to control my environment. I have used a variety of techniques to achieve this, one of which has been considering myself to be a cut above anyone who challenged or criticised me in a way that tweaked the fragility of my vulnerable ego.
The Spiritual Affirmations commended by Patrick Carnes in A Gentle Path Through The 12 Steps include the affirmations “My powers are limited… With an empty mind, I take in each moment as a new experience... I am open to the spiritual guidance of others… The more I try to control others, the more problems I create”. The fact that he included these statements in his list suggest to me that – like other addicts – I might find it hard not to be in control, and I think that power is a particularly important issue for me.
So, a natural, default setting for me has been to say that I place no value in the opinions of my school teachers, few (if any) of whom liked or understood me. Saying this is one thing, but a more accurate way of expressing it would be to understand that I have chosen to suppress and ignore things that I felt threatened by. I often found maladaptive ways of suppressing them, which were (admittedly) successful in briefly diverting my attention from that pain, and which may have persuaded me for a while that I was a “special one” who did not need that challenge, based as it was on ignorance.
It is a symptom of the hold that way of thinking has had over my life, wellbeing and happiness that I have quite publicly for the past 40 years rejected my schooling, “shutting the door” on this massive aspect of my life. I have rejected it apparently because of its focus on muscular Christianity, hierarchy, respect for (in my views flawed) authority, conservative values and militarism, and I responded by puerile acts of disobedience and disrespect.
Sure, I am entitled not to enjoy organised religion or the armed forces, but as I have done so often, I managed to achieve a blanket rejection of ten years of my life on a set of pretexts and excuses based on insecurity. And this problem with authority has subsequently acted itself out time and time again in my relationship with employers, governments, family, and more generally with society as a whole.
My Higher Power gently suggests to me that all phenomena lack inherent existence. In other words everything I perceive, do, think or say is ultimately based on karma that has been generated through countless lifetimes. This karma manifests in the belief that I exist independently of everything else, and that some things are inherently good/better, while others are inherently bad/worse. Consequently I love some things, and hate others. I feel comfortable when things go well for me, and affronted, angry and outraged when they don’t.
The prescription is clear, I understand the treatment and even the dosage. Fear tends to prevent me from taking it to heart. But as I really try to find a new paradigm where I can accept help, be content with who I am and take my hands off the reins, I can challenge that fear and recognise that – like everything else – it is just an illusion conjured up by my mind. The medicine actually tastes quite nice, and it works immediately. I just need to keep taking it!
Back to my school reports, I know that some of my teachers really did like me. And most (if not all) of the others wanted me to be as successful as I could be. Re-reading my reports with open eyes may be a truly informative experience that will help me reclaim my past. I WILL do better!
Paul Keeping
4 March 2019