by Paulie Keeping
Hello my name is Paul and I am an egomaniac. There - I've said it now. But what does it mean?
Well, basically it means that if things are going my way then it's all good. I'm all sweetness and light, a cool dude, a kind friend, a caring, sensitive and responsible human being.
But if things generally go against me then there's going to be ****ING TROUBLE!
Someone's to blame, and they are going to get it! But it's not likely to be someone who could be said to deserve it - some stereotypical contemporary hate figure such as Boris Johnson, Nigel Farage or Donald Trump. It's not going to be a Congolese warlord or the mastermind of a paedophile ring. It won't be some 'Dead President' like Tony Blair, David Cameron, George Bush, Adolf Hitler or Joseph Stalin.
No, it will probably be someone much closer to home, probably someone I 'love' and who loves me, someone who will accept it when I spit my venom in their direction. They won't like it, they may complain but generally they will allow it because they care. And if they don't, well screw them, there are plenty more fish in the sea.
The problem is that letting me get away with it is probably the worst outcome for me, because it deepens the inevitable self-recrimination that follows... Why did I do it? Again! Why did they let me do it? There's something about them that annoyed me, but not the thing that I was annoyed about. It's just that they were a handy target of my unmanageable feelings.
I think in some way my egomania has got worse since I've come into recovery. OK, it could be pretty bad back in the day too, but at least when I was in uncontrolled addiction I could find ripe and mind-bending diversions to take my focus away from outrage at my thwarted will.
Now its just me, myself and I locking horns in the padded cell of my ego.
Or is it? I used to hold the view that - having dispensed with my "little helpers" - I was getting to understand my original core personality, warts and all. Now I'm beginning to wonder if my egomania is actually a separate addictive behaviour that I acquired at some point, alongside the others.
I don't remember being like this when I was a child. Perhaps then I did not have enough power to wield to make the behaviour worthwhile. But I certainly wielded all the power I could, over smaller beings.
In any case, although I understand that it is part of the "cancer within" that I need to grow to accept and love, its manifestation is something that I need to control, primarily for my own mental peace and recovery, but also for the wellbeing of those around me.
And the great news is that I have an array of spiritual tools to deploy, to come to terms with my ego.
For a start, the 12 Step Programme provides a daily prescription for acceptance, reaching out for help, decluttering, making amends and giving back.
Reiki therapy and meditation allows me to focus on the damage and imbalance in my subtle energy field, particularly paying attention to the poor second chakra (regulating my emotions, appetites and self-esteem) that must have taken quite a hammering over the years.
And of course the "big daddy" of them all is the foundation of Buddha's teaching - that the belief that "I" actually exist is based on a fundamental ignorance of how things really are. After all, if you and I only exist as concepts, what does it matter who wins, or loses?
A big part of my problem is that although I understand this intellectually, I don't appear fully willing to bring it into the centre of my being. My ego again! My path is to move from understanding to belief, and to allow this belief to guide me in every way, every day.
Then I will know a new freedom and a new happiness. Surely this promise will materialise as I work at it.