I understand that my contentment and fulfilment lies in the process of surrendering my will to the Universe and accepting what comes my way. To be honest, this has been clear to me for decades, and reinforced through every spiritual lesson I have learnt, be it from Hindu, Buddhist, animistic, shamanic or 12 step recovery thinking and teaching.
At the same time, I feel the need for my ego to be propitiated as if it were a vengeful Deity. The need to come out in front, on top, my will respected, my treatment dignified and appropriate to my status, intelligence and sensitivity.
I have frequently felt the presence of a Higher Power, and these times have often been the happiest, most peaceful and meaningful moments of my life. They run into the dozens, perhaps hundreds. They all involve feelings of completeness, where I have everything but need nothing, where all I want to do is give. They have, however, been ‘moments’, and have the appearance of holes in a mesh – although there are many of them, and you can see right through the mesh, you can still pick up the mesh. You call it a mesh, you don’t call it a collection of holes.
A more powerful force of inertia brings me back to the mesh, the dominant ego state. It is able to operate in the background, like an anti virus programme, invisible and undetected, but always vigilant and dominant. I call it my ‘Manchurian Candidate’ in tribute to that excellent film about hypnotic control. It is in charge, and will act seemingly unexpectedly and unpredictably, with the hidden purpose of maintaining the integrity and dominance of the ego over the “letting go” to the Higher Power.
I have previously written about my feelings of egomania – the intolerability of my will being crossed. For instance, I can be driving in my car, actively thinking about my recovery and spirituality. Feeling generous, I invite a motorist to turn in front of me. So far so good. But the fool fails to execute the manoeuvre efficiently. They must have done this to disrespect me! Did I not give them permission to enter the highway in front of me? Why did they not do so in a timely fashion, so that I did not need to apply my brakes? Brake pads are expensive! Why are people so stupid and unskilled? Why is society so dysfunctional? Why doesn’t someone cull the entire human race? Why is Donald Trump allowed to rule the planet? I hate myself and everything else!
Perhaps on reflection my candidate is more of a Basil Fawlty than a Manchurian.
It’s been suggested to me that it could be helpful to counter this egomania with a daily ‘walking meditation’ practice of trying to generate feelings of kindness and compassion towards people I see in the street, focusing on the difficulties and suffering they must experience, and wishing them profound happiness and peace, like the happiness and peace I feel when I detect the presence of my Higher Power.
This is completely in tune with the Buddhist teachings I like to think are so important to me. But something really powerful is blocking me from taking the advice on board. Yes, it’s the addict, that Manchurian pulling all the strings. But it doesn’t mean that my addict has to be the “winner” for ever, and if I continue to work at it, my promises will come true.
One day at a time.
Paulie Keeping
April 2019