At the Living Room Cardiff we are proud to share our stories of hope, they are the most powerful assets that we have. Our stories live within us to guide others to recovery. Living Room member Adrian has offered his experience, strength and hope with gambling addiction and explains how he lost everything but found hope and recovery along the way
How did you start gambling?
In my late teens me and a mate used to play snooker on a Saturday and there was a £100 jackpot fruit machine at the snooker club.
I didn't realise it then but my mate must have had a big problem because he actually spent more time playing the fruit machine than playing snooker! I joined in and had a couple of big wins at the start - £100 was more than I earned in a week! It doesn't sound like a lot now, but then it was. Coming home with three times the money I went out with was a big buzz - it made for a really good weekend.
How it got serious
We carried on “playing snooker” like that for a while. I was still probably breaking even at the time. but it began to go downhill when we just forgot about the “snooker” one day and went to a casino in town. I was 20 years old. We played roulette - I lost a week’s wages, plus some of the money I'd previously won on the fruit machines. I put quite a bit of money on my credit card that night.
Why did you go back?
I went back a week later to win back the money I had just lost - but I lost more. Still, I thought it was a grown up thing to do, a welcoming and adult environment. Plus there was plenty of free coffee and food to keep you there.
I didn't go again for a month, but I was a single man with few overheads, living at home with money in my pocket.
I started going three to four times a week straight after that, always to the same casino, and carried on like that for a whole 10 years. I ended i up an £8,000 loan with the bank and couldn't pay it back, plus borrowing from my family and friends.
I was lying more and more to keep the cash flowing. They say that "being a gambler compulsive gambler makes you a good compulsive liar too". The only time I stopped was for a month when I broke my leg and physically couldn't get to the casino.
Over the 10 years I probably lost the best part of £20,000.
Meeting Karen
When I was 30, back in 2001 I met Karen and we got married three years later. She didn’t knew I gambled - I kept it a secret. She knew I had some debts, but not where or how much.
When we got married we moved into a flat. I muddled on for a couple of years but in 2006 I realised I couldn't pay the rent. I came clean to Karen and my parents then the landlord. He was actually a friend of Karen's so we got a bit of a let off, just because he knew Karen.
I started going to Gamblers Anonymous then, around 2006 - I found them online. I went there for a year but wasn't really in the right place to benefit from it and I had a number of slips, still at the casino.
In 2008 Karen and I moved to Splott, there was a bookie across the road. I’d never been to a bookie before, but it didn't take long to get a problem with fixed odds betting machines, just about every penny I earned at the time. It was hard with Karen - one day she said "I'll always love you, but today I hate you". But she stood by me all the while, and has been a rock for me.
Out on the Street
Things came to a head in 2012. I hadn't paid the rent for 3 months and one day we got a knock on the door. The bailiffs had come and in half an hour all my stuff was on the street - no money and nowhere to go. We both moved back in with my mum and dad, and stuck it for two or three years.
It wasn't easy for any of us, especially with two women in the same house. I also had huge guilt, knowing that Karen was suffering because of me, and I had shame telling my mum and dad what a state I had got into.
The Dawn of Recovery
But this time was the start of my recovery. The first step came when Mum took control of all my money and bank card. I physically couldn't gamble as I had no cards or cash. At that point I was £25k in debt to the bank and credit card companies.
It was frustrating and humiliating being in my 30s and having to ask Mum for money, but I realised this was the only way I could carry on. I've always trusted my mum and looked up to her, which probably made it easier to comply.
I went to GA regularly, but the only lesson I really learnt at this time was that having no access to my money was useful. I hadn't started to focus on WHY I was gambling.
Anyway, because I’d stopped losing money at the bookie I started to get more cash, one of the benefits was we could move out so we got a flat in Dinas Powys in 2015.
There were no bookies in the village, and apart from a few small slips, I generally kept clear of gambling. This time I handed all access to my cash to Karen. She didn't enjoy doing this but she knew it was necessary.
The Living Room
A year ago I came out of a GA meeting one night and thought I'd see if there was any other help I could get. I'd never heard of Living Room Cardiff before but saw it online. I came in and met Wynford, and before long I started going to groups and also having one to one counselling.
The main thing I got from meeting Wynford was that he was an inspirational figure who had been through the horror of addiction himself. Even though his addiction was alcohol he understood me, and he painted a positive vision of life beyond gambling. He also encouraged me to start to look the reasons why I gambled. He helped me understand that the buzz I was seeking was an illusion, and more than that – it was the root of my suffering.
It has been great coming to group therapy sessions at the Living Room where I have met not just people recovering from gambling addiction, but also people with a range of different addictive illnesses. Being able to share my story, hearing their stories and receiving support and advice from them has really built my sobriety, and I am feeling strong in my recovery now.
Karen continued to support me, forcing me to go to meetings at the living room even when I didn't want to go. And my family have always stood by me and close friends have really supported my recovery too.
Karen has been very unwell recently and I know that my recovery has helped me stay strong throughout this stressful time.
I’ve also had the positive mental attitude and money to want to do things. For instance I've just bought an old model E Type Jaguar pedal car which I am going to restore. I know that I still have to build back confidence with my mum that I can stay sober, but I am positive that I can stay away from gambling.
Tips for Success
If I was to give any tips to other people struggling with addiction to gambling, the first thing is to sort out access to cash and ideally for a friend or family member to control all their access to money.
I've tried to self-exclude myself from bookies, this has worked to a degree but the problem is that there are so many people working in bookies that it doesn't always work. So you may walk into a bookie at a time when the staff member on duty isn't up to date with who has tried to self-exclude. And let's face it there are so many bookies the length and breadth of every high street. But doing this is still a good thing to do, as it gets your mind into the active process of disengaging from your habit and convincing you to take that step.
Certainly I find that living in a place where there aren't any bookies nearby is a big help. I've actually turned down some flats that we thought about moving to because there were too many bookies nearby.
Another thing is avoiding being isolated on my own. I always try to stay near people who understand my problem, and this is an essential part of my recovery. I also try to reach out to friends - for instance my best friend Carl has been really supportive, contacting me regularly when he knew I was out at the pub or on my own to check that I was OK.
And of course coming to therapy groups is really good for me. I try to attend 2 or 3 times a week if I can and whenever I do can feel my sobriety increasing.
I encourage anyone suffering in silence of within the family to reach out for help from a place like the Living Room. You will learn to accept your addiction and the positive mental attitude that come from this, as well as lots of techniques to beat your addiction. Plus the support of people who will not judge you, but just want you to get well and begin to enjoy your life again.