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Telling the truth: A beginners guide





The Silver Lining blog has never been politically partisan and isn't about to change this cherished editorial principal. However, the model of recovery that we have always promoted here and at the Living Room Cardiff is based on rigorous honesty and self examination and it transpires that honesty or the lack thereof is rather topical of late.


The decision by the Supreme Court this week that the Prime Minister, Boris Johnson's prorogation of parliament was based on a false premise and is therefore deemed never to have taken place has been a political humiliation for him but it was the result of dishonesty. It has been the experience of most addicts coming into recovery that their acts of dishonesty eventually led to their worlds crashing down and recovery could only begin when they were forced to face the consequences of their behaviour and bring about in themselves lasting change.


Telling the truth often feels alien and uncomfortable and many addicts have lied to themselves and others for so long that they have completely lost track of what is true and what is not, what is real and what is not. The reason for this is that any dishonesty, great or small is in the addict's mind justifiable in order to keep the addiction going. The authentic individual and their values become lost to the power of the addiction.


Long before the first drink, drug, bet or other problematic substance or behaviour, the future addict has normally experienced something in their life, almost always as a child, that causes them to break away from their authentic nature. Often this is a trauma, an abandonment, abuse, or some other suffering. A critical or toxic parent often looms large in the background and the first dishonesty, the flight from self, is an act of self preservation. This flight from self and the need to pretend to be something inauthentic to please others or to find a coherent identity to hide behind sets up the conditions necessary for addiction to thrive.


When an addict discovers their drug of choice it often seems like the solution they've been craving all their lives. It seems like the answer to all their problems and they experience an artificial 'wholeness' for the first time. This is where a fierce loyalty to alcohol or drugs, gambling or pornography is born. This is the moment at which a love affair with a damaging substance or a behaviour begins and in order to sustain that love affair the addict will have to convince themselves of a series of lies ( I can control my drinking, it doesn't harm anyone, everyone else drinks like me, no one will know), and as they do so, they drift further and further away from the truth and from the authentic self. The silencing of the authentic self is the masking of that part of the personality that offers frank and truthful assessments and says the things addicts don't want to hear ('really? who are you kidding?' or 'everyone can see you for what you are', or 'you know you aren't in control'). Any and every challenge to the addiction needs to be silenced and the fantasy that as long as the addiction continues then all will be well is allowed to steam ahead unimpeded.


When fantasies collide with harsh realities (loss of jobs, relationships, friendships and sometimes even freedom or health), the addict is afforded a short window of time where they are able to see the truth about themselves and their own lives. Often the addiction will re-write reality for them if they are unable to be searching and fearless in their journey for the truth. Any backtracking or compromise with the illness will result in it taking back control. The resumption of the addiction is based on the self deception that 'this time I'll control things' or 'it wasn't actually all that bad' or 'if it wasn't for my husband/wife/parents, I wouldn't need to drink or take drugs'. Whereas the simple truth of the matter and the only truth that actually matters is that 'I am an addict and I need help, and I can't survive this illness on my own.'


Nationally we are confronted with a Prime Minister who has a terrible conundrum to resolve. Time and again he has been rewarded for not telling the truth. Most addicts reach the end of the road in their illness when they are punished for their dishonesty, not promoted for it. As a result, the Prime Minister still seems to see incentives in dishonest behaviour and does not believe in the possibility of a reckoning as a result. Perhaps for him there will be none, and perhaps this doesn't trouble him. However (and this applies to the rest of us, irrespective of how we voted or what we wish the future of the country to be), a society based on the dishonesty of its leaders doesn't have much of a future, just as an individual powered by personal dishonesty can expect nothing but calamity.


The truth is the truth whether we individually or collectively choose to run away from it or not. It will be waiting for us as a dog waits for its master when we choose to return home. It is essential that on a personal and a social level we embrace this fact and continue to re-acknowledge it on a daily basis.

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