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People-Pleasing me: Low Self-Worth And The Addict



By Living Room Correspondent Bernie


Recently, I’ve become embroiled in a particularly unpleasant situation at the company where I work, and it is a situation that is entirely of my own making. It has come about because I don’t say no anywhere near as often as I should. Why? Because I am a time-served people-pleaser.


So, my job involves alternating weeks of day and night shifts. Or at least it did, until my boss asked me to cover nights on a weekly basis to cover staff shortages. I readily agreed, not because I was happy to do so, but because I was eager to please my boss. Boy, did that decision ever come back and snap at my derriere.


So what is it about the addict that makes us want to please people continuously? Why do we feel responsible for how other people feel? And why, when we fail to please other people, do we self-medicate with our drug or process of choice as a way of hiding away from our true emotions? These are all interesting questions, that are made more difficult to answer because of a lack of research into the issue.


At the core of the people-pleasing addict is low self-esteem. We have little belief in our value as people, and we use people-pleasing as a way of boosting that low self-worth. It’s a falsehood, of course, but us addicts aren’t particularly renowned for rational thinking. We believe that by doing things to please others, we will gain their respect, and even their love. Ultimately, of course, this dangerous practice gives validation, at least in our own minds, to our addiction and the harm it does us. And it is the top of a dangerous slippery slope that puts our need to please others ahead of our need to embrace, and maintain recovery.


As a natural consequence of trying to please other people, we apologise often when we feel we haven’t done enough to garner other people’s respect and faith in our ability. We say sorry for the strangest of things. “I’m sorry I couldn’t cut your grass today Dad, but it has been raining all day”. That one is a howler that I’ve used myself in the past – I’ve effectively apologised for the weather!! One of the key elements of recovery is to remember always not to apologise for things that are beyond our control or that are not our responsibility. And of course, when we apologise for things beyond our control, in doing so we devalue the integrity of our apologies when we make them. When the time comes for us to apologise for something that is our responsibility, and for which we are truly sorry, it carries less gravitas as a consequence.


Not wanting, or being unable to say “no” to people often leaves us feeling over-burdened, which in turn creates a tangle of emotions that we struggle to deal with safely and effectively. As addicts our natural defence against this well of emotions is to engage in our addictions of choice, to turn away from dealing with the painful feelings and masque them. And so the circle perpetuates itself. When we inevitably fail to please everyone we’ve said yes to, and we feel their anger rather than the gratitude we’d hoped for to make ourselves feel good, it takes our sadness and inability to deal with that emotion to a whole new level. It becomes layer upon layer of unmanageable emotions, sadness, and fear. We’ll do almost anything to avoid the conflict that results, and anything to hide the fact our feelings have been hurt.


So, we’ve looked at why we people-please, and how it is very unhealthy for us. What kind of measures can we take to stay out of the people-pleasing arena and live a healthy life?


· Set boundaries. This is vital in recovery!! Think about what you are happy to agree to do, and more importantly, what you won’t agree to do. As well as being a good “prevention rather than cure” technique, this will also stop other people taking advantage of you, as well as heading off unmanageable feelings before they happen.

· Think of yourself. Remind yourself often that you are a good person, and that you, on your own and without anyone else’s validation, are enough. Do something good for yourself, and not for someone else. Read a good book. Go for a walk on a balmy summer day and listen to the birds, and take in the beauty of nature. Treat yourself to a proper posh cup of tea or coffee, because YOU deserve it!!

· Listen to your emotions. Rather than turn away from them, allow yourself to feel whatever it is you’re feeling. Talk to them, understand them, and try to rationalise them. For me, being a people-pleaser is about staving off the fear of rejection. For you, it could be one of a thousand things, but once you find it, and rationalise it, you can more easily deal with it.

· Say “no” more often. It sounds simple, but so many of us find it impossible!! It’s a hard one sometimes, because our natural position is to say yes. But every time we say no it becomes a little bit easier than the last time, and the fear of disappointing the person asking, or losing their love and validation, lessens.

· Question why you want to say “yes”. When someone asks you to do something, pause for a moment before answering. Ask yourself why you’re saying yes. Is it because by saying yes you’ll become a stronger person? Or are you saying yes simply because you don’t want to disappoint the other person?


So what was the outcome for me and the unpleasant situation I found myself in at work? Well, I’m lucky enough to have a caseworker I can talk to about anything. He reminded me that the manager who I’d told where to go was the same manager who, nearly two years into recovery, was the first person to give me a chance to prove myself in a job. He was the same manager who, when someone threatened my safety at work as a result of my addictive behaviour in my old life, stood firmly by my side and reassured me that I was a valued member of his team. And my caseworker reminded me that despite all of the foregoing, I didn’t always have to say yes when my manager asked me to do something. It’s been a long time since I gave an apology that carried as much gravity and heartfelt gratitude than the one I gave my manager a couple of weeks ago. And you know what, making that apology and hearing my manager’s words of thanks and understanding in reply made me feel a thousand times better than blindly saying yes ever could have done.

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